Regrets

For a little while there I was thinking that I was feeling guilty about not being a good enough parent. In all actuality I was feeling regret. Regret for not being good enough. Regret for me is something I wish I had done but didn’t for instance, being a parent that was present. Or just being a parent.

Let me share this, I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. As the saying goes, back in the day, I had only one thing on my mind. Getting high or drunk. Being a parent was the last thing on my mind.

I brought four beautiful children into this world. But I cannot take credit in bringing them up or nurturing them into the people they have become. I wasn’t available to them the way I wish I could have been. Every day I struggled to be there for them but my guilt kept me away. So I tried to drink that guilt away. The more I drank the further away I became.

It wasn’t until I got into recovery that I realized what I had done. I carried guilt on my shoulders for so many years. I stopped carrying that guilt when I realized that I cannot change the past I can only change the future.  Today I feel regret.

I watch my children being parents to their own children today. Somedays I wish I could have been like them. I watch them nurture, care for, guide their children to become good people. I watch my grandchildren with complete amazement.  I see their beautiful minds at work to discover and create.

My children have become the most fascinating human beings on this earth to me. I wake up every morning thanking God for the gift of creating such fine human beings. They are my greatest creations but the credit belongs to them on becoming who they are today.

Yes I still have my regrets but I do not let it consume me today. I am working on being a better Mom and grandmother. I am far from perfect but I am as perfect as I can be.